Love bites, my a$$

There’s been a dreadful addition to NDTV Good Times’ line up of food shows. An ugly, no personality skank (ya, I said it) called Joey, has bagged herself a late night show called Love Bites with Joey (Mon-Tue, 10pm).  I think it’s best I warn you now that I have VERY FEW good things to say about this woman or her show. I watched the show completely biased with the full intent of doing some verbal bashing. Brace yourselves for a vitriolic rant, more deadly than a chatpata hari mirch chutney.

There appear to be no female food show hosts on NDTV Good Times. There was Ritu Dalmia  – they actually found someone on this planet who could make Italian food sound boring. Now they’ve gone and done a real corker with a woman who apparently used to be a model, called Joey. Joey – like that’s an Indian name. An Americanised, call centre version of Jaspreet, Jyotika, Janaki? They claim she was a model but I just don’t see it. With a pointy nose and that sorry excuse for a “hairstyle” (hair pulled back in to a ponytail) makes her look like a horse faced witch. As I was looking at her horse face my eyes were locked on to what looked like a shiny pimple in the middle of her forehead. Then I realised it was a bindi. If you’re gonna wear a bhindi, wear it proud. It should not look like a zit. She’s over-accesorised for a cooking show – countless large rings, bangles, big watch and chains that look like shackles round her neck and little girl style clips in her hair. It’s like she threw on everything in her cupboard and walked out on the set. Wasn’t it coco channel who said, “When accessorizing always take off the last thing you put on.” Well Joey needs to take off the last 5 accessories she put on. It’s the same with cooking – sometimes less is more.

Perhaps she’s trying to maker her voice raspy and sexy but it’s just a few octaves towards bizarre which makes her sound like she’s about to have an asthma attack. This woman has no business being on TV as she totally lacks charisma or even the slightest ounce of personality.  There are plenty of us who can cook but there’s a reason that even fewer of us are on TV. I guess being a model she’s used to keeping her trap shut and staring blankly in to the camera (I believe they call that posing and get paid for it). She’s trying to be someone else and she’s failing miserably at it. Frankly, I don’t think she’d be any good at being herself either. I’m not saying that TV cooks should be good looking. But they must have personality, an interesting natural ease with the camera for me to want to keep coming back to that 30 minute slot. If the cook is there just for the recipes then I’d rather read a cook book. An interview with VP of programming at NDTV said that she’s not trying to be India’s answer to Nigella Lawson. Then why the hell does she keep trying to slip in pouty saucy Nigella-esk lines? Like the way she bats her eyes, sucks in her cheeks and says, “My lolly’s”. Also, why are they billing it as “late night”, like there’s something in it that can only be shown after the 9pm watershed. Perhaps children should not be subjected to this excuse for television. Did I mention the horrible fake smile and scarily large teeth that make her look deranged. I’d jump out of my skin if I saw that smile coming at me. Watch out, it’s coming at you.

Love bites with Joey

She has cultivated  no original personality or style that could make her interesting to watch. She is bland, boring, dull and frankly comes across as missing more than a few brain cells. If you’ve ever been to an Indian school elocution competition where Shakespeare’s Shylock’s speech, Martin Luther King’s I had a dream and Dr. Seuss’ Cat in the Hat are all narrated with the same intonation that does not match the meaning of the words spoken, then you get the picture. Not to mention the bizarre way she stresses on the second syllable of all words: gelatin is said “gel-llaa-tin”, “fur-neee-ture” for furniture. Then there’s the fake American twang on words that sound so ridiculously phony, “Tomat-does” or “Pannacodda”. She uses only Olive oil but bless her, she can’t say it – she says Ol-LUV owil and wersion for version. She also tries to ad lib, which fails her miserably. Last night she said “Deliciously… (caught in headlights pause) delicious”

As far as production values goes, they’ve spent a little bit more money on this one but that’s probably because of the rampant, blatant sickening product placement. When she washes her hands the camera zoom in and out and in again at the Lifebuoy label. She opens a fridge and all you see is Samsung for 5 seconds. There’s no consistency with the music choices which should set the tone for the show or reflect the show’s/host’s personality. But I guess because she has no personality, it’s a mess. It starts with this girly Ellie Goulding type tune, then a 1920s Jeeves and Wooster jazz/swing type theme and half through the show it’s funk and electronica while plating up scallops (an ingredient you will not find in an Indian fish market).

At least the other cooking show hosts on the channel, Aditya Bal from Chak Le India or Vicky from Gourmet Central are clearly being themselves, whether their personalities agree with you or not. And none of these shows is a patch on Highway on my plate. But a glowing review for the naturally funny and talented, Rocky and Mayur deserves a post on it’s own. I shan’t taint their names having them too close to this Joey person.

So what about the cooking then, because after all this is a cooking show. Well, she made a coconut panacotta which was fine, good recipe, although hers was melting (I’ll give her the harsh lights of the sets; bad gaffer). But she did use gelatin leaves which is very difficult to find in India – probably only the high end gourmet stores in Delhi carry it. Why use ingredients the rest of us are never going to have access to in our life times. Then she made a lasagna. There are NOT tons of ways to make a lasagna and only a fool would layer the sheets with dollops of whipped cream. You don’t layer it with cream. You make a bechamel sauce/white sauce/mornay sauce. NOT CREAM – that’s just a lazy, stupid person who isn’t even doing any cooking. Worst part is when she introduced the recipe and when they showed the recipe, typed out on the screen (a totally unnecessary low production value effort NDTV Good Times does) the lamb mince and tomato based sauce was called a bechamel sauce. A bechamel sauce is your classic white sauce made of butter, flour and milk. If you add cheese it’s called a mornay sauce. Not f*@7&*# tomato! You’ll be pleased to know I have informed NDTV Good Times of this error and I hope they will no longer treat us viewers like we’re fools. When the news footage shows images of a Russian helicopter and the journalist is talking about an American helicopter attack, to you and me it’s all the same; but to someone who knows virtually every helicopter there is, like the DH, it drives him mad. It’s just like that with me and cooking shows.

I’ve included a clip below because it’s only fair that I make you lot suffer the same way I have. In this one she’s ad libbing, droning on about how she likes saying “pan on heat’ and how that sounds so wrong… WHAT? What?! Ritu Dalmia may have made Italian food boring but this lady makes all food boring. And I love food, so that’s really saying something.

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About nonsense girl

Galley slave, qualitative researcher working in development, married my best friend, writing about my life, my family, my dog, TV, Indian culture, astronomy and my garden. www.nonsensegirl.wordpress.com
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22 Responses to Love bites, my a$$

  1. mazin says:

    I doubt that nonsense girl is Joey itself trying to findout what really people think.

  2. shoba says:

    It’s a prosaic and tacky show.Even in pandering,fails terribly…Regrettable indeed..

  3. Brett says:

    How much hate and lack in life !!!

  4. martin v patrick says:

    you are an a$$ hole

  5. Seetharam Hegde says:

    Jealousy, thy name is woman!!. Your presence here by itself is enough to show that you too are seeking popularity. “London returned” regarding your hubby too shows the elitism that you want to demonstrate. Therefore, nothing wrong in what Joey is trying to do. And, the poison you have spewed in the article or whatever it is, shows how much you miss the popularity that Joey has achieved. Whatever her capabilities might be, I am sure Joey obviously is better known than you are. For your info, she is a successful model, actress and a chef.

  6. Raj says:

    Everyone knows she cant cook fr peanuts, at least i watch the show fr her rack because fr 30 mints it is on ample display along with her cleavage.

  7. Sowmya says:

    I don’t understand why are u so biased on this female joey….not that I am a fan of her but she is doing her job well…. I don’t know whether u are an Indian or not, but Joey name is not Americanized, it’s a very common name in my place. It’s a common name in kerala, goa and other places in india where christians are more. And about Ritu Dalmia, if u don’t know who she is then plz google and find out… She has quite a few restuarents in india and they mainly serve Italian food….

    • Thanks for you comment Soumya. The problem i have with Joey is not so much her name, but her style. She is, well, too stylized. I feel it’s all fake, a put on. She’s not really being herself or bringing anything new to cooks on tv. And as i pointed out, some of her cooking knowledge is blatantly wrong. I’ve never eaten in a Ritu Dalmia restaurant and i have seen her show. She too i feel is just so BLAH. Falls flat on the screen, comes across as so dull. But that’s just me…

  8. tara says:

    bahahahahahaaaa!

    • tara says:

      i can’t stop laughing-pan on heat!rofl..
      nicely written.totally agree with you.she is ANNOYING

  9. knanda says:

    THAT WAS THE NASTIEST AND BEST THING THAT I HAD READ IN A LONG LONG TIME. GREAT GOING JUST KEEP AT IT BUTCHER THEM TO THEIR BARE BONES. BTW I DO NOT HAVE ANY PASSION FOR FOOD OR COOKING.

  10. Dr Sheeba Pillai says:

    Though i think she is a smart looking girl & i have nothing personal against her – she is no cook – i think NDTV hasnt realized tht a lot of people watching these cookery shows are fabulous experienced cooks . Joey is a very average cook & I believe i could teach her a few things about basic cooking – she is not experienced enuf to teach anybody any cooking believe me & i dont think her recipes are worth watching .THANK YOU .

    • gkorula says:

      I couldn’t agree with you more. She displays no technique what so ever. But more than her lack of culinary knowledge I find her presentation style ever so drab and uninspired.

  11. rita says:

    this show should be on Comedy Central..

  12. Pingback: Who can you trust? « nonsense girl

  13. ashreyamom says:

    i have not seen the show.. but agree with ur description about the female and her looks. without seeing the video just with the pic, i can guess and agree with accent she used in front of the camera.. she doent look like a model at all..
    by the way, a personal doubt, do u have any idea where to buy oregano and icing sugar in vizag??

  14. Butku says:

    Oh yuck she was so annoying I couldn’t even bring myself to watch the entire six minutes of the video!

  15. Alka Ganesh says:

    I agree that Joey may have been put on the show as a front, and that she is not really a cook. None of the shots appeared to show her actually doing anything, they were either shoys of her hands, or of her upper body; probably her looks were thought to enhance the shows popularity. I did not feel that her “personality ” was not so bad, she looked attractive enough, but yes phoney as a cook! Do we always understand the ways of the media? I am amazed though that you have gotten so visceral about it! As they say nowadays, Chill!

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